just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Still dying that you shit outside
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
