my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
