Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
