three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
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