highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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