some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
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you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.