I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!