Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
