is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
