My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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