in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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