my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
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Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
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The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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