I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
