those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I touched a dick in church today
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
that may or may not have been my penis.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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