i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
