and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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