I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
