Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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