was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
