Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
