What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
