she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
