so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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