As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
