you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she peed on how many people?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
