So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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