At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
