Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
