Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
