I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
