What a fucking waste of an outfit
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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