Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
