I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
