I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
