Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
