if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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