his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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