Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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