I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
