The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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