I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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