So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
