My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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