I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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