my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
