so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
