I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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