2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
