a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
