I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
