He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
