apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day