I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
