I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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