I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i was born a porn star she said
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
How's work?
Spinning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
