youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
