The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
