Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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