Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
