i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
