So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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