Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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